Received: by alpheratz.cpm.aca.mmu.ac.uk id VAA13906 (8.6.9/5.3[ref pg@gmsl.co.uk] for cpm.aca.mmu.ac.uk from fmb-majordomo@mmu.ac.uk); Sun, 13 May 2001 21:19:31 +0100 From: <joedees@bellsouth.net> To: memetics@mmu.ac.uk Date: Sun, 13 May 2001 15:21:43 -0500 Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Subject: A misguided anthropologist Message-ID: <3AFEA687.6193.81CBB@localhost> In-reply-to: <000c01c0dbd7$6f04a1c0$35ac7ed8@gnetc119006> X-mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v3.12c) Sender: fmb-majordomo@mmu.ac.uk Precedence: bulk Reply-To: memetics@mmu.ac.uk
> From:
> Paleoanthropology Division
> Smithsonian Institute
> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC 20078
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> Thank you for your latest submission to the
> Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next
> to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We
> have given this specimen a careful and detailed
> examination, and regret to inform you that we
> disagree with your theory that it represents
> "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man
> in Charleston County two million years ago."
> Rather, it appears that what you have found is
> the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one
> of our staff, who has small children, believes
> to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that
> you have given a great deal of thought to the
> analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
> certain that those of us who are familiar with
> your prior work in the field were loathe to come
> to contradiction with your findings. However,
> we do feel that there are a number of physical
> attributes of the specimen which might have
> tipped you off to its modern origin:
>
> 1.The material is molded plastic. Ancient
> hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
>
> 2.The cranial capacity of the specimen is
> approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below
> the threshold of even the earliest identified
> proto-hominids.
>
> 3.The dentition pattern evident on the "skull"
> is more consistent with the common domesticated
> dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating
> Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
> wetlands during that time. This latter finding
> is certainly one of the most intriguing
> hypotheses you have submitted in your history
> with this institution, but the evidence seems
> to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
> going into too much detail, let us say that:
>
> A.The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
> doll that a dog has chewed on.
>
> B.Clams don't have teeth.
>
> It is with feelings tinged with melancholy
> that we must deny your request to have the
> specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
> to the heavy load our lab must bear in its
> normal operation, and partly due to carbon
> dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
> recent geologic record. To the best of our
> knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior
> to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to
> produce wildly inaccurate results.
>
> Sadly, we must also deny your request that we
> approach the National Science Foundation's
> Phylogeny Department with the concept of
> assigning your specimen the scientific name
> "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
> personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously
> for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy,
> but was ultimately voted down because the
> species name you selected was hyphenated, and
> didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
>
> However, we gladly accept your generous donation
> of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
> While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil,
> it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
> of the great body of work you seem to accumulate
> here so effortlessly. You should know that our
> Director has reserved a special shelf in his own
> office for the display of the specimens you have
> previously submitted to the Institution, and the
> entire staff speculates daily on what you will
> happen upon next in your digs at the site you
> have discovered in your back yard.
>
> We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's
> capital that you proposed in your last letter,
> and several of us are pressing the Director to
> pay for it. We are particularly interested in
> hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
> the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous
> ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
> excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you
> recently discovered take on the deceptive
> appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
> automotive crescent wrench.
>
> Yours in Science,
>
> Harvey Rowe
> Curator, Antiquities
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