HUMOUR: Memetics out of control

Dave Hall (
Wed, 3 Mar 1999 15:37:37 +0200

From: "Dave Hall" <>
To: "Memetics list" <>
Subject: HUMOUR: Memetics out of control
Date: Wed, 3 Mar 1999 15:37:37 +0200

I'm usually just a lurker on mailing lists and don't post much thus have no
clue as to whether this is appropriate for the memetics group. Given some
of the flame wars I've read here, it appears that anything goes.

The scenerio below is, of course, entirely fictional. Perhaps. FWIW I
invent & develop software products to scratch out a living. I don't work for
Microsoft or own any Microsoft stock. Not yet.


Meme Spirals Out of Control
Bill Gates, realising the US Goverment is going to win it's anti-trust case
against his first cot, Microsoft, has retreated into the depths of the
Microsoft Kingdom, to reveal his Ultimate Master Plot directly to tribal
chieftans, the bizarre <mental> mating of people otherwise known as product
and program managers. A plot planned very carefully from the very beginning
..... to throw his "Toys Out of the Cot" and become the world's first
TRILLIONNAIRE! Finally convinced by one of his orginal technical advisors,
Richard Brodie, now best-selling author of "Virus of the Mind", that
*self*-replication is the key to survivial and MLM is the business model of
the future, the Real Mother of all Battles for Total World Domination is
about to begin.

At the stroke before noon, April 1st 1999, Microsoft Corporation fully
intends to have the last laugh of the century. Literally. At the press of an
email Send button, Microsoft will instantly and electronically fragement
into hundreds of product oriented companies, and immediately publically list
*all* of them simulataneously on *all* electronic stock exchanges. Day
traders will be given *free* (local call rates do apply) "Microsoft Trader"
software to assist them in drumming up the price with automatic trades.
Wizards are available to those new to the process. Free $1000 trade-fee
discount coupons will also be provided, the first 100 trades being totally
*free* (though ad supported).

Co-branding opportunities with Schwab and e*trade will of course be
exploited ensuring that other suckers foot the cash outlay bill. To prevent
the Internet from grinding to a halt at the moment of climax, traders eager
to make a killing real quick can order time activated CD-ROM's that will
give them a time advantage over later purchasers. Downloaders won't stand a
chance. The CD-ROM is immediatley available from every chain store in
exisitence for only $9.95. Wal-Mart, who paid the most, are selling special
edition copies with a full 3 second advantage over competing retailers. A
3-for-1 stock split is expected to be announced for most entities by

Companies will trade as, for example, Microsoft SQL Server Inc.,
Windows3.1 Inc., Windows95 Inc., Windows95a Inc. The FUD office bundles,
having effectively beaten the daylights out of everyone already, will be
*unbundled*, there will be no Microsoft Office, only Microsoft Word Inc.
Microsoft Interactive Barney Inc. is expected to be a huge hit amonst the
younger day traders as is the company that sells that weird kid's mouse
thing. Empower the consumer! We all know what the Jesuits says about kids
up to the age of 7. The $12b (or so .. give a take a few billion) cash
stash currently in the bank will be divided fairly amongst the few hundred
clones to spend on "stuff". In the interest of personal health and safety,
a limit has been set on the number of Jolt that can be purchased per day.
All spun-off companies will receive copies of all source-code. Specially
developed automated negotiation systems have been developed to ensure smooth
trading transactions between the hundred companies. Access to the
code-sharing service is being offered to the Open/Free Source community for
only $1,000 subscription per annum, or $10,000 if you want it all on CD-ROM.
Documentation and support is a little extra. SQ, please ask your "server"
for assistance.

At least for the forseeable future, all teams will remain in their current
geographic domains, Bill Gates, the generous philantropist that he is, has
purchased the Redmond campus for an undisclosed cash amount and donated it,
appropriately, to the Gates Learning Foundation. Companies have reportedly
already signed lease and maintenance agreements to minimise the potential

In an effort to keep those consumers most carpetbagged by the proceedings of
April 1st happy, and grinning from ear-to-ear with all sorts of free stuff,
Windows2000 beta SP-2a Inc. will publically list on the 2nd of April. The
first 10m downloaders of the 163Mb install package will receive a free share
in the company, and a special discount on a hamper of Microsoft goodies,
otherwise avaliable only through the official Microsoft store in Redmond.
"Microsoft Trader" is expected to be bundled with the product, all company
clones reserving the right to bundle whatever innovations they want and can
get their hands on for a fair price, usually nothing in this marketplace.

What happens to Bill Gates? Well whip out your copy of Microsoft Excel and
work it out. 100x3x$80B isn't too shabby for a days work these days. His is,
after all, the "best job in the world". A special web site, has been prepared to enable novice
"knowledge age" punters place bets on various guesst submitions. It is
reported, that having finally completed his work at
(has anyone checked to see if they're all still all in Redmond or whether
they've perhaps leased an otherwise mothballed US Carrier Group and taken a
very slow boat to China?) Bill Gates intends to pursue various personal
hobbies. One new found passion is mass producing space satellites, picked up
from buddy and co-founder of Teledesic, Craig McCaw. A 4,000 satellite
launch to secure mining rights on asteroids is not out of the question when
you have $1T to spend. The slogan for the vision is "A Portal into every

Great software is all in the mind.

[Durban, South Africa]

This was distributed via the memetics list associated with the
Journal of Memetics - Evolutionary Models of Information Transmission
For information about the journal and the list (e.g. unsubscribing)